The Mantra

" The only race, is with yourself. The only competition, is with your fears, doubts and personal ghosts. The only thing you have to beat is your own limit "

Repeat when in massive attack of mood swing. Like now.

Gosh I'm really sometimes too hard on myself. 

Today's Reminder : L.O.V.E

I stumble upon this beautiful article about love. OK, article about love is overrated but this one  is about kids 4-8 years old describes love - and instead of cheesy, it gets me as sincere, naive, honest and funny. As I read along,  my eyes get stuck on this  :

 “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.

But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

jessica – age 8

Well, this kid is very perceptive, I should say.

In our daily routine, we often take things for granted, we often forget to say to the ones we love how much they mean for us. We often take their presence for granted, and we get used to them being around us. But what if somehow, someday, they suddenly stop being around?  That someday God decides to no longer prolong their presence in our life? It will be very sad and ironic, if we never let the ones we love know about the fact that we love them, that their presence mean the world for us. That they are irreplaceable and worth the whole universe. In fact, our universe somehow exist because of them :)

Text your dad. Call your mom. Email your siblings. IM your cousins and relatives. Contact your dear friends, near or far. Kiss your significant  other. Hug your pets,

And tell them how much you love them :)

To all anti-feminist 'say no to mini skirt' campaigns out there...

...and don't you dare making the analogy of "kucing mana yang nolak kalau dikasih ikan asin". Man supposed to be not as shallow, as immoral and as un-collected as a cat. And oh, a well mannered cat (who got feed regularly on her bowl with nice cat food everyday) even wont jump and steal your served-on-the-table-and-it-is-delicious foods, since the cat knows that the food doesn't belong to her. Man is more than that, I believe. And oh, if you're a man (or worse, a woman), comparing a woman (with mini skirt or not) to ikan asin is just simply wrong. Putting woman in a place of an (victimized) object, and not as an equal subject to men, is not the right approach if you want to solve the issue of sexual harassment. There goes my 2 cents. 

On Woman's Day

Celebrating women's day, I read some twits about how wonderful it is to be a woman. About how awesome we are. About how beautiful we are. About the hype that is the time to celebrate ourself being a woman. But behind those scenes, women around the globes are suffering. I'd like to share some of amusing facts from here. And in accordance to the celebration of woman's day, I'd like to share these facts, and ask for a minute of silence. The sentences in italic are my own  personal thoughts, feel free to agree or disagree.

• Women perform 66% of the world’s work, but receive only 11% of the world’s income, and own only 1% of the world’s land. Ever wonder why Indonesian factory owner prefer buruh wanita? Ever wonder why there are some gap of income, based on gender? Ever wonder how woman would actually take ANY means of work when it comes to saving their family, include a low paid buruh cuci, madi, even buruh bangunan and tukang ojek. And here I am being ungrateful about the salry I made.
• Women make up 66% of the world’s illiterate adults. Those who have privilages to information like us, we should do something to help. For underprivileged woman, being literate means having more access to information that can open their eye, build their awareness of their rights, and help them to get a better life. Information, nowadays, is everywhere. But having access to it, is a privilege.
• Women head 83% of single-parent families. The number of families nurtured by women alone doubled from 1970 to 1995 (from 5.6 million to 12.2 million). Here we are talking about women as the backbone of the family, and still, they earn less compared to their male colleagues. Woman would do anything, I repeat, anything when it comes to their family's survival. I had been in this situation, where without my mother, my family wouldn't be the one you see right now.
• Women account for 55% of all college students, but even when women have equal years of education it does not translate into economic opportunities or political power. Exactly. Women all over the world has been struggling for this : To have their voice and aspiration being listened to. To have policies and regulation that not only benefit mankind, but also benefit woman.  
• There are six million more women than men in the world. See the previous point. Woman are superior in number, yet their voice is not being heard. Yet violence happens to them almost all the time, and it is kept hidden down below. Yet access to education, information, and public facilities are somewhat being limited in some countries.
• Two-thirds of the world’s children who receive less than four years of education are girls. Girls represent nearly 60% of the children not in school. I read this and feel ashamed for all of the time I complained about having to go to school back then. It is seen here that again, the world does not think it is important for women to gain knowledge and have access to informations. Some still think that girls belong to the house, and well, it is ok for them not to continue their education. This is definitely not cool. 
• Parents in countries such as China and India sometimes use sex determination tests to find out if their fetus is a girl. Of 8,000 fetuses aborted at a Bombay clinic, 7,999 were female. Battle of sexes and preference that has been going on for centuries : male are preferred to woman. For some cultural shit reasons, I'd say. Even at prophet Mohammed's time, the arabs would kill or desert their baby girl. Seemingly, the price of life is cheaper when you're a girl. 
• Wars today affect civilians most, since they are civil wars, guerrilla actions and ethnic disputes over territory or government. 3 out of 4 fatalities of war are women and children. Who else? Wars are men's playground. Women mostly would opt for stability and peace. Plus, they are helpless amidst the casualties of war. I always believe that given the option, any woman would go for peace instead of war. 
• Rape is consciously used as a tool of genocide and weapon of war. Tens of thousands of women and girls have been subjected to rape and other sexual violence since the crisis erupted in Darfur in 2003. There is no evidence of anyone being convicted in Darfur for these atrocities. Talking about Darfur always broke my heart. Those rapist and soldiers, they forgot that it is a womb of a mother that brought them to the world. 
• About 75% of the refugees and internally displaced in the world are women who have lost their families and their homes. Help. Behind the buzz of fashion weeks across the globe, there are these homeless, helpless woman crying for help. Not to be pitied of, but to be empowered and accepted. But the cry for help always lost and being silenced, as always, when it comes to woman. 
• Gender-based violence kills one in three women across the world and is the biggest cause of injury and death to women worldwide, causing more deaths and disability among women aged 15 to 44 than cancer, malaria, traffic accident, and war. Again, as I stated in the previous point, the price of life is cheaper when you're a woman. Some men thinks they owe women, and it is ok to treat them in whatever way they want. 

I am thankful that I was born as a woman. 

I cried for my fellow sisters across the globe, who are suffered, who are seeking for helps, who are helpless, who are murdered, who are treated inhumane. I cried for my fellow privileged sisters who did not knows about this facts. I cried for their ignorance. I cried for myself, my helpless, privileged self that has done nothing. I am aware we can't save all of the women in the world in a blink of time, I do. But I believe, if a woman would empower another woman, we'll end up helping ourselves, and helping humanity.

So today, empower any women, any girls near you. Inform them about gender issues. Help them learn. Teach them to read. Help them building a small business. Cooperate with them. Build a female-friendly working place. Hold their hands. Tell them that life's worth the same, for both male and female. 

Happy women's day, ladies :)

About people..

Some people come, some people go.

The foot print and traces they left will remain anyway

As memory (treasured or not), as impact, as inspiration,

but more importantly, as lessons learned.

I've learned (and am still learning) mine the hard way.

Some people come, some people go, indeed.

Life opens door to let people in, or out

But it is us (me) to choose who will stay in our heart

Some people may come in, but never stay,

Some people may leave, but never truly go away, never go astray

For those who have been there during my fall,

For those who have been there during my triumphant time,

For those who teach me how to differentiate

Fakes from the greats

Mates from the snakes

For those who have been here all along,

regardless distance, regardless the difference

For those who hold my hand when I'm in pain

For those who were with me when I had nothing at all

For those who plotted my fall

For those who left me down on pouring rain

For some, I'd like to hug in appreciation

Others, I hope our path never cross in any option

Say, I'm immature,

I forgive but still I couldn't forget easily

Say, but one thing for sure

I am truly grateful.

The lesson you each teach me will remain

Rant that keeps me up all night

Have you ever wanted something so bad?

Have you ever felt so powerless, that things are beyond your control and you can do almost nothing to reach it?

I do. And it does not feels good.

I hate when things I need to have control over, are beyond. I used to be able to thrive for what I want, and yet now all I can do is learning the art of nothing. The art of doing no struggle but waiting, patiently. And I can't say that patience is my best virtue (that is why those who are closest with me, always wish me one) and believe me, I am learning to be patient. But sometimes, knowing that I am not able to do the slightest thing to make it comes true, it frustrates me. Oh believe me, I tried to do things that I hope later would evoke and get me closer to what I want, but eventually I realize that it is something I don't have control over..

It is said that all I need to strive in, is on a battle with myself, on how to make myself a better person so that later I would deserve to get what I want. To make myself worth for what I want. But the question later would be, am I than not worthy? From the way I see it, continues improvement of myself lay on a different ground with the strive on getting what I want - so that these two aren't comparable. 

It is not also that I am ungrateful about what I have now. I am fully aware on how much struggle I've done, how many sacrifice I've made, and how much feeling kept aback to get me where I am now. I am truly grateful. Being grateful doesn't mean that you can't dream of something and want it badly, right? Or this is a sign that I am being a spoiled, ungrateful brat? With too much whines and nags and complaints on why I can't get what I want. On why can't I do anything to get it. Or maybe I am just too complicated and need to loosen up and let go.

Probably it is right that I need to let go. To detach myself from this thing that I want badly. But to detach means that I need not to want it any longer, and I can't. They say, when we let go and accept thing as it is sincerely, we would ended up getting what we need (not necessarily what we want). Maybe, but I am not to gamble over this. Or am I? I am not even sure.

I am not sure about a few things right now, including myself. When I am tired, I tend to be unsure. I need to find my balance, pronto, and decide what to do in order to fix all of this thing. Maybe I need to fix myself. Maybe I need to fix my expectation and hope (read: what I want). Maybe I just need a time away to think. Whatever it is, I am restless right now. I need to be with myself in center sanity and serenity. Which now seems afar. Gosh even writing this makes me feel hazy. I don't even know why I ended up writing this rant. Maybe I need to put meditation on my daily routine.

Mengapa sulit sekali untuk bisa hidup dengan tenang?

It is (kinda) official! (And why am I scarred, again?)

Kenapa giliran resmi ada pengumuman kalau saya bakal pindah team, kok rasanya malah aneh ya? Padahal saya juga yang dulu mengajukan, karena ingin punya pengalaman baru sebagai PTR data management.. Tapi entah kenapa, nggak melihat nama saya ada di kolom Tunu Team kok rasanya..sedikit sedih. 

Apa gara-gara team leader Tunu Team yang amat baik dan korporatif (untung si mas team leader gak tau blog saya, kalo tau bisa2 idungnya makin besar hihihi), atau member team Tunu yang solid dan saling mem-back up? Atau gara-gara di tim yang baru ini kesempatan untuk dapat recuperation itu bisa dibilang sangat kecil? (FYI, Saya banci recup ketika di tim tunu. Rush data pas weekend? Hajaaaar maaang! Akhirnya jatah recup saya menumpuk dan bisa dipakai buat jalan-jalan ataupun pulang ke Jkt hampir tiap bulan :D) Atau karena saya masih ragu, bisa nggak ya men-sinkron kan diri dengan ritme dan pola kerja si mbak data management? Secara kan ya tim data management PTR ini kecil, cuma duo female saja. Atau gara-gara saya sebel harus pindah tempat, padahal posisi workstation saya sekarang sudah super PW....

Ah, Ketakutan dan kekhawatiran ini kan sebenarnya datang dari asumsi-asumsi saya tentang scope pekerjaan baru di team yang baru. Lagian kan sebenarnya kalau soal recuperation mestinya saya bisa bertanya, adakah cara untuk tetap dapet recup? hihihi. (Ketauan sebenernya kalau main concern saya adalah si recuperation ini :p)

Weeeell, ketakutan dan kekhawatiran apapun itu yang saya punya, nasi sudah jadi bubur, jadi mending bikin bubur ayam yang enak kaya di tawan *slurp* *laperrr, apa nanti lunch makan bubur tawan ya?* *loh kok jadi ngomongin makanan??* Tim baru, kerjaan baru, berarti pengalaman dan exposure  yang lebih untuk saya. Lagipula, saya bisa say goodbye  ke rush data dan picking point di jam-jam yang aneh (read: picking point di tengah malam atau pagi buta, weekend maupun weekdays). 

Anyhoo, regardless my rants here and there, PTR new organization is out and published already! Ooosh!

Today's Rant

He who has a 'why' to live can bear almost any 'how' - Nietzsche

Mencari 'mengapa'. Saat ini, ada beberapa jawaban signifikan untuk 'mengapa', biarpun belum sampai pada tahap kedalaman filosofis tentang mengapa saya ada, mengapa saya hidup dan mengapa saya disini. Tapi hal-hal kecil (yang ternyata, besar dan berarti) terkadang sudah cukup menjadi alasan. Orang-orang tercinta, dan mimpi mimpi yang saya punya. Tentang 'bagaimana' -nya, saya yakin, jika si 'mengapa' ini cukup kuat, si 'bagaimana' ini akan menampakkan jalannya pada akhirnya. When the reason behind and the intention are right, I know that somehow things would just fall into place. No matter how scattered, how intangible, and how random it seems right now. Ini adalah sebuah harapan, tentang bagaimanapun hidup memperlakukan saya, jika saya cukup yakin dan percaya pada 'mengapa' , saya Insya Allah akan mampu menanggung si 'bagaimana' nya (Biarpun pasti awalnya ada panik, stress dan takut - normal human responses anyhow). Ribet? Saya kan memang ribet :p. Tabik!

ps: I am glad they have their 'why's, and seeing the way they bear with how life treats them, is inspiring. I am hoping to be a part of them, indeed.

Rant!

When 2 of your (female) best friends gets married in a year...
this quarter-life crisis somehow starts to lurk in.

The question of "When", indeed, can be a big big annoyance.
Another social expectation,
Another peer pressure
Another this and that
Another lingering question(s) :

Of self-worthy, of relationship, of commitment, of fidelity, of readiness,of fear, and later of the essence of marriage itself. I found myself lately asking the meaning of marriage to different peoples in different marriage condition and find an astonishing variations of answers and wisdoms (and jokes).

Seriously, whoever creates the terms of quarter-life crisis, I wish (s)he had never thought about it at the first place. Because rather than thinking about this darn crisis and starting to measure who am I and my achievements towards some kinda lame milestone (in this case, age), I should have better things to do. Living my life.

Now that sounds like something a quarter-century old girl should do. God knows I should have stop worrying and stop buying this "quarter-life crisis and expectation" crap.

I should tell my self  : Now shoo. Go on. Live, for heaven's sake. You're still 25.

The best news today..

My dearie's safely landed in Houston :)

*senang campur pengen campur iri campur lega campur kangen...rasa ngantuk langsung hilang :p*

Dan hal pertama yang saya lakukan: cek jam berapa sekarang di Houston. Ternyata disana masih jam 9:34 am sementara di Balikpapan sudah jam 11:34 pm. Sigh...lebih dari 12 jam beda waktu. Saya jadi berpikir, seperti apa ya Houston pagi hari? Jujur saya belum pernah menginjakan kaki di negeri suku kulit pucat - itu sebutan saya untuk USA ;p -  dan salah satu impian besar saya adalah bisa kesana, untuk belajar ataupun tinggal. Well, holiday wont hurts too..My dearie kesana dalam rangka training yang dibiayai perusahaan (perusahaan yang sama tempat saya bekerja selama hampir tiga tahun sebelum saya resign dan pindah kerja ;p , tapi selama saya bekerja disana, saya belum sempat mencicipi USA karena selalu kebagian negara Middle East sebagai tempat tujuan training..booo ..:( ) Itulah kenapa saya iri sama si dearie.. hehe. Dan saya langsung bisa menebak si dearie akan bilang apa:

"Hey, emangnya kisah kamu udah berhenti disini aja? Nggak kan? Jadi jangan pesimis, suatu hari kamu pasti akan ke negeri suku kulit pucat!!"

But seriously, saya agak nggak bisa nahan rasa iri saya :p . Well, saya kan cuma berusaha jujur, hehe. Saya daridulu punya mimpi untuk meneruskan kuliah di salah satu universitas / college The Ivy League. Sounds too big? It is :D . Beberapa kawan saya sedang menjalani s2 dan s3 nya di beberapa college the Ivy League. Salah satu senior alumni dari youth forum saya bahkan baru saja berangkat ke US untuk s2 beasiswa penuh di Harvard *ngiler*... Dan saya juga selalu memimpikan bisa bekerja di Manhattan , NY. *Yang ini ketauan banget pengaruh kebanyakan nonton film seri ;p*

Saya kadang pesimis dengan mimpi mimpi saya. Tapi saya tahu di dalam hati, suatu hari , dan itu tidak lama lagi, saya akan ke negeri suku kulit pucat  untuk mimpi mimpi saya, dan hopefully bersama si dearie tercinta. dan bila saat itu tiba, saya akan mengingat malam ini, malam dimana saya ngoceh nggak karuan di blog tentang betapa inginnya saya ke USA...

Hal pertama yang saya lakukan saat itu? Berkata pada si Dearie (dan diri saya sendiri) : you are right, baby. I made it here anyway ;)

As it goes, I need to mumble..

Hi there!

Ini adalah posting pertama saya di blog ini. Entah ini blog keberapa yang saya miliki, tapi blog ini adalah sesuatu yang spesial karena ini adalah salah satu self-project alias proyek pribadi saya bulan ini. Ups, we're jumping too far. Sebelum membicarakan proyek pribadi saya, izinkan saya memperkenalkan diri.

Saya adalah....

Ups. Bahkan saya sendiri masih mencari jawaban untuk melengkapi kalimat tersebut. Saya bisa mengisi titik-titik diatas dengan atribut fisik ataupun identitas 'nyata' saya, seperti nama, profesi, tinggi badan, status, dan masih banyak lagi embel-embel lain. Tapi di atribut atribut itu, saya tidak menemukan jawaban atas siapa saya. Saya tidak menemukan atribut nama, profesi, status, hobi, sifat dll sebagai cermin yang bisa memantulkan refleksi diri dan memberi sedikit inspirasi tentang diri saya sendiri. Karena saya bukanlah (terbatas pada) nama saya, profesi saya, saya terlihat seperti apa, saya anak siapa, saya pacar siapa, saya hobi apa, tinggal dimana, dan semua atribut fisik yang melekat. Ada sesuatu yang lebih pada "saya". Ada sesuatu yang masih harus saya eksplorasi untuk tahu dan mengenal diri saya secara utuh. Oke, mungkin saya mengenal diri saya saat urusannya hanya kulit luar. Tapi jika disuruh mendedah 1cm saja dari kulit luar saya ( humm..ayo bayangkan ada apa 1cm dari kulit luar saya..saya nggak jago biologi soalnya. Susunan saraf dan sel-sel entah apa serta otot, mungkin ) , belum tentu saya bisa mengenal diri saya. Apalagi saat masalahnya mengenai si "penggerak" tubuh saya alias energi, jiwa, ruh, dan rasa. Ah, apa yang saya tahu tentang rasa dan jiwa, kala semua yang saya sadari sebenarnya hanya 1% , si puncak gunung es yang terlihat mata Sisanya? 99% alam bawah sadar yang saya sendiri tak tahu ada apa disana. Padahal itu bagian dari saya. Jadi, jangan paksa saya menyelesaikan kalimat " Saya adalah.." tadi, karena saya masih dalam proses mencari dan menjadi. Ah, seiring anda membaca blog ini, anda akan semakin tahu (atau sok tahu?) tentang siapa saya. Ini mungkin sebuah bentuk narsisme klasik dimana blog adalah media saya menjadi tokoh utama dalam sebuah cerita, dimana satu satunya alur penting adalah alur hidup saya (yang mungkin pada nyatanya terlalu biasa). Tenang saja, saya bukan si protagonis membosankan dan kelewat baik hati. Bukan pula antagonis hitam yang hanya kenal caci. Saya hanya si pengelana yang sedang berpetualang dan berharap menemukan satu dua pantulan diri yang terserak..

Cukup tentang saya. Blog ini, seperti saya katakan diatas, adalah proyek pribadi saya. Bulan ini saya memiliki 3 proyek pribadi yang semuanya bermuara pada satu tujuan : menemukan lagi mengapa saya berharga. Akhir akhir ini saya bermasalah dengan keseimbangan pribadi dan rasa tidak aman.  Akhir akhir ini, saya menjadi .. lelah. Dan kelelahan ini membuat hampir tiap sendi hidup saya tidak stabil. Dan itu semua berakar pada satu masalah: saya tidak merasa cukup percaya pada diri saya sendiri, bahwa saya pantas dan bisa mendapatkan sesuatu. Bahwa saya...berharga.

Untuk mencapai tujuan itu, salah satu caranya, saya menulis. Yap, blog ini adalah proyek pribadi saya. Dengan menulis, saya meninggalkan jejak tentang keberadaan dan cerita saya.. dan mungkin ini bisa membantu saya meraih yang dulu hilang. Mungkin, dengan menemukan kembali siapa saya, dan lebih mengenal serta jujur tentang itu, saya akan tahu bahwa saya berharga. Dengan blog ini,  persistensi saya menulis, berkreasi, bermimpi , serta yang terpenting, jujur pada diri sendiri, diuji. Resolusi saya adalah 1 tulisan per hari, entah itu artikel fiksi maupun non fiksi, atau cuma celoteh hati. Jadi, doakan saya!