Rant that keeps me up all night

Have you ever wanted something so bad?

Have you ever felt so powerless, that things are beyond your control and you can do almost nothing to reach it?

I do. And it does not feels good.

I hate when things I need to have control over, are beyond. I used to be able to thrive for what I want, and yet now all I can do is learning the art of nothing. The art of doing no struggle but waiting, patiently. And I can't say that patience is my best virtue (that is why those who are closest with me, always wish me one) and believe me, I am learning to be patient. But sometimes, knowing that I am not able to do the slightest thing to make it comes true, it frustrates me. Oh believe me, I tried to do things that I hope later would evoke and get me closer to what I want, but eventually I realize that it is something I don't have control over..

It is said that all I need to strive in, is on a battle with myself, on how to make myself a better person so that later I would deserve to get what I want. To make myself worth for what I want. But the question later would be, am I than not worthy? From the way I see it, continues improvement of myself lay on a different ground with the strive on getting what I want - so that these two aren't comparable. 

It is not also that I am ungrateful about what I have now. I am fully aware on how much struggle I've done, how many sacrifice I've made, and how much feeling kept aback to get me where I am now. I am truly grateful. Being grateful doesn't mean that you can't dream of something and want it badly, right? Or this is a sign that I am being a spoiled, ungrateful brat? With too much whines and nags and complaints on why I can't get what I want. On why can't I do anything to get it. Or maybe I am just too complicated and need to loosen up and let go.

Probably it is right that I need to let go. To detach myself from this thing that I want badly. But to detach means that I need not to want it any longer, and I can't. They say, when we let go and accept thing as it is sincerely, we would ended up getting what we need (not necessarily what we want). Maybe, but I am not to gamble over this. Or am I? I am not even sure.

I am not sure about a few things right now, including myself. When I am tired, I tend to be unsure. I need to find my balance, pronto, and decide what to do in order to fix all of this thing. Maybe I need to fix myself. Maybe I need to fix my expectation and hope (read: what I want). Maybe I just need a time away to think. Whatever it is, I am restless right now. I need to be with myself in center sanity and serenity. Which now seems afar. Gosh even writing this makes me feel hazy. I don't even know why I ended up writing this rant. Maybe I need to put meditation on my daily routine.

Mengapa sulit sekali untuk bisa hidup dengan tenang?